In our personal relationships there is a constant give and take. Consciously or subconsciously we are always keeping tally of whether someone is drawing on our emotional bank accounts (think of negative or overly needy friends), or those who are constantly giving and empathetically listening. While both elements are important, there is evidence that when you ask for things and are assertive in a relationship, it will actually strengthen the relationship.

In between both of these extremes are those relationships that are most meaningful – where we feel that we are offering the most genuine love and heartfelt interest that we are capable, and are receiving in return. Relationships where we feel understood and are able to do our best to understand. What makes these relationships so meaningful is the fact that we are able to GIVE something.

Feeling guilty for being “needy”

Often, however, I find myself wanting to give and give and give, without realizing that there is a real strengthening effect on relationships when you ask something from your loved ones. Many may not struggle to ask or invite others to help them, but for me there is a real guilt that I’ve discovered when I don’t want to inconvenience someone else. I am always wanting to go it alone, being self-sufficient, yet am absolutely willing to drop anything to help a friend. It is an imbalance – where I will give, but do not want to take. It is something I am working on, to be open to letting others help.

Giving brings us closer together

When I look at times where I have sacrificed for another person, I feel closer to them. By giving time, money, or attention to a friend, I am making an emotional investment in them. I become more tied to their happiness and success. Yet I resist allowing others to make the same investments in me.

It is ironic that the self-sufficiency that causes us to not reach out and let others help – out of fear of asking too much – is actually limiting our connection. Letting others help builds connections, while going it alone, and not being “needy” can leave us in isolation. The gratitude that results from asking, receiving, and truly accepting help from others is healing.

Let others help

Addressing the guilt that I feel, I am slowly asking more favors, and sharing more of my struggles with those that I am close with, or want to feel closer to. Our conscious efforts to ask favors and let others help won’t drive them away, which has always been my fear. Instead, knowing our value and worthiness as a friend, inviting others to share in your potential failures or current fears will build bonds between both of you.

There is a wholeheartedness that results from building community and bridges with others that is two-way: giving and receiving help. We all need to feel needed. Yet we are denying and suffocating some of our relationships by selfishly giving.

Do you avoid asking others for help for fear of being “needy”? How can you let others in, by asking for help and sharing insecurities?