Feeling lonely can be an impossible situation, where you feel misunderstood and alone, but at the same time want more than anything to connect and find joy in human interaction. I’ve found feeling less lonely to be more complex than just spending more time with people.

An article I read recently explored the importance to understand the difference between social isolation and loneliness. It may feel nuanced, but has been hugely helpful in my search for security and confidence in being alone. The article mainly focused on loneliness and social isolation in long-term care facilities. Here, the elderly are away from friends and family in a completely new social setting. The article explained that loneliness is actually a mental state that can be influenced, as opposed to social isolation, which is based in the situation of not having enough people to interact with.

The distinction is very important – for socially isolated people, the solution is MORE social opportunities for interaction. For loneliness there are multiple causes, but merely associating with more people won’t resolve the issue. You can see in our own lives when we feel lonely (which is different from both depression and social isolation – if you have clinical depression don’t use this as your sole guide) we may be tempted to resolve the issue with more and more people. The research finds that this will not address the issue.

Instead, there are some very useful ways to address loneliness that are much more helpful than merely increasing social exposure.

Bad Thoughts

The most effective way to address loneliness, is to correct the false perceptions that underlie loneliness. Some of these lonely tendencies mentioned in one study include:

• Being more sensitive to social threats
• Dwelling on negative social information
• Remembering the negative aspects of social events
• Having negative expectations
• Behaving in ways that will confirm their negative expectations

Each of these has their own weight, but that last tendency is mind blowing! That somehow clinically lonely people are making their thoughts their own reality through their actions. Imagine that your social anxiety has taken over your life to the point that you can only create negative circumstances. You are effectively stuck in a “loneliness loop”. Addressing these thoughts appears to be the best approach to ending this vicious cycle.

I’ve certainly had my own battles over the years with social anxiety and false perceptions that lead to loneliness; yet I have had opportunities to address these negative, reinforcing thoughts to arrive at a healthy place, even in solitude.

External Self Worth

My growth into comfortability with being alone has grown through a few key life experiences that forced some hard realizations. During high school my family moved to a remote part of Virginia, where I didn’t know a soul. This was hard for me to start over in a new place. As a young person our self worth can be tied to the quantity or quality of friendships, and I was starting at exactly zero. Having no friends initially, and having my worth tied to having friends led to some significant loneliness. Overtime I adjusted to the new place, but those early feelings are still painful.

In rural Virginia, life was very different than the Washington D.C. area that I grew up in. Instead of neighbors that were next door on quarter acre lots, we could barely see another house from our home. I was forced to reset my self worth, defining instead of social acumen, finding a deeper purpose. As I looked inward, new friendships naturally flowed.

Embrace the Awkward

As I’ve grown older my self confidence has also grown, and prepared me for more and more dramatic opportunities for loneliness. At one point during college I packed up all of my belongings and started an internship in a town that I’d never lived in before. Starting from scratch was easier this time, even though that initial awkwardness and isolation were very real.

That summer internship began with absolutely no friends within hundreds of miles. I recall a particular night where I was debating whether to attend a church social activity, knowing I would be completely alone, or whether stay at my apartment. I decided to go and embrace the awkwardness of being completely alone. In the end I made a few friends that became my go-to people throughout that summer and remain friends today. Sometimes the only thing keeping us from a new friendship, new life, or new experiences is a little bit of awkward.

Growth in Private

The culminating test of loneliness was moving to Davao, Philippines where I didn’t know a single soul in the city, though I was expected to hire staff and start a social impact company. I can still remember the disorientation of landing in the dead of night in a foreign airport in a foreign country with absolutely no friends for thousands of miles.

Looking back on this experience, the solution wasn’t to force myself to be social, but to look inward. I can still remember when sitting in my studio apartment in Davao, Philippines, thousands of miles and multiple time zones away from anybody that I knew. And somehow feeling immense peace in that isolated stillness. There was a quiet that we are usually afraid of when we are alone, that somehow the stillness of our own minds can be intimidating.

Left to my own thoughts in Asia, I grew past the uncomfortableness and let my inner aspirations rise. That was certainly an isolated time, but the books, films, podcasts, and adventures that I experienced in isolation were freeing. There was a growth and safety in private contemplation that is hard to find as I’ve been bombarded by groups.

Time alone can be better than lost in the crowd

Ultimately these many experiences with growing comfortable and secure in my aloneness have led to a very secure place, where nights off socially, even from people that I deeply care about, has become part of my own healthy mental state.

I used to battle loneliness by forcing myself to be around people, any people. When we combat loneliness by spending time with anyone that is available or willing, we can actually increase our loneliness. Loneliness thus is not a symptom of lack of people, but perhaps lack of self-worth. It is an internal fix as opposed to an external one.

In a world where connections abound through technology, there are surprising numbers of people who are still lonely. This is not due to lack of connection, but perhaps lack of connection with ourselves. Instead of filling your time with people to battle loneliness, instead look internally to process where these feelings are coming from.

Feelings of loneliness may be an opportunity to be selective with how you spend your time, and an opportunity for self-compassion. The mindset of loneliness can be overcome, but should not be combated with filling every waking moment with people. Parties, bars, and other social gatherings can be a great hiding place for lonely people. Until we are able to accept our self-worth, we will perpetuate our lonely state.

The shocking realization in all of this is that people and association with people isn’t necessarily the solution to loneliness. Until we face our anxiety around being alone, we may always feel alone even in the middle of a crowd. Loneliness is not a signal of “spend time with anyone that is willing”. It may instead be a sign that you need to reflect, build, and be selective with the people you spend time with.